God's Eyes

I have been told repeatedly that I have a gifting with words. I was once even called a “wordsmith”. I have been told that I am an excellent communicator. I think maybe these things are true because God made them true within me, but today…..today was one of those days when I felt like I completely failed with my words. I was trying so hard to communicate something, and I just couldn’t find the way. I was trying to explain to a friend what it means to “see yourself through God’s eyes and not through the eyes of self or of others”. It’s something I’ve been experiencing for only a short time, but it is something that has been phenomenally life changing. And I want everyone I know to experience it if they haven’t.

I have lived so much of my life geared in a mindset of self-loathing. I have always been quick to pick up the negative narrations from others about who I am, and I allowed those narrations to own me. I have loathed myself so much that there were moments when I would literally stand in front of a mirror and berate myself in ways that I would NEVER consider talking to another person, no matter how much I disliked them. I have judged and despised Ruth Kelley unrepentantly.

And then God…..

It all began in the Word. The more I studied, the more the Holy Spirit began to make it come alive to me. In Revelation 4:11 I read, “You are worthy, O Lord our God, to receive glory and honor and power. For you created all things, and they exist because you created what You pleased.” Whoa! God didn’t just create me – He found pleasure in creating me. Me?

In Psalm 139 I read about the intimacy with which God created me and deals with me daily. He made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. He watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, and He saw me before I was born. (My world saw me as a product of rape – God saw me as His intimate creation.) Every day of my life was recorded in His book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. He goes before me and follows me. He places His hand of blessing on my head. I can never escape from His Spirit. His thoughts toward me are precious and they cannot be numbered. This Psalm alone blew my mind – it opened my eyes to how much attention God has always put into me. From the thought of my conception, God has always treated me as if I were important to Him.

As I continued in Scripture, I saw how much God “delights” in His children. He goes above and beyond and over to make sure that the door is open for relationship with them because He cherishes them beyond comprehension. I never understood before until I saw it repeatedly in Scripture – God delights in His children...and that’s me – His child! He delights in me! He cherishes me! He wants relationship with me! Me! He doesn’t just want to save me from hell – HE WANTS TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME.

As I read more Scripture, I began to realize that God is a creative genius, and I began to see the diversity in what He creates to use for His Kingdom. I “watched” the personalities of the apostles, the prophets, even the quiet players in Scripture. My eyes became open to the fact that my personality isn’t “bad” as I had so often believed. I was created specifically as Ruth for a reason. Just like Joseph, Moses, Abraham, Peter, and John all had specific and differing personalities in order to play their part in the Kingdom well, I, too, have a specific reason and a special role. Therefore, I needed to be made exactly as I am. God doesn't design with cookie cutters - each creation is specific and for His purposes...including me.

God in His infinite love chose to rewire my brain and help me to see how HE sees me. Me! This short little ball of intensity who overthinks and overdoes and some days is hard to live with and hard to love (by people, that is). This crazy creature who is a much too serious deep-thinker in most moments, but who can quickly revert to the shenanigans of an eight-year-old in the blink of an eye. He began to reveal to me what could be my strengths that He created to use for His Glory. He also revealed to me my weaknesses and shortcomings as a warning, so that I can watch my heart at all times and be aware of what could easily trip me up. The God of the Universe revealed to me that He created me specifically out of His desire, for His pleasure, to be used in the building of His Kingdom. This knowledge is almost too great for my DNA to contain.

And that is why I no longer stand in front of the mirror and berate myself. Sometimes I still grieve, because I still sin, and knowing that I hurt my God causes me to grieve. But I am much more adept at confession, repentance (the turning), and allowing the Blood of Christ to do its work for me. (Repentance is so much better than self-flagellation.) I am much better at forgetting the past (even just yesterday) and moving on toward the goal. I am no longer afraid to confess my weaknesses openly because I am no longer controlled by the narrations of others – it is God’s narration of me that I look toward. Seeing myself through God’s eyes has changed everything. Jesus said, “And you will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free!” God’s eyes, God’s narration of us, is the only Truth we need embrace, and it will set us free.